How to Meet and Date Hot (and Smart!) Girls
The last few girls I've gone on dates with I initially met during the day at coffee shops, farmer's markets, bookstores, and, recently, on the sidewalk as a particularly feisty girl bought a pair of earrings from a street vendor. (My opening line, said with a smile: "They're going to break in five minutes, but I'm sure it was ten dollars well spent." Her reply: "What are you, a jewelry expert?" We walked to a sandwich shop and had lunch.)
My friends think I'm either confident or completely freaking lucky. Both are true. The confidence was something I learned over time. As my friend and dating expert Nick Savoy says, like most guys I experienced a lot "approach anxiety" early on. But after a few thousand conversations you learn to tell the voice in your head that says, "Don't make an idiot out of yourself!" to shut the hell up.
The "luck", I guess, is being at the right place at the right time. But you still have to talk to her for it to go anywhere.
Now, I'm no dating expert (that's why Nick's here), but in this post I'd like to quickly cover why I prefer meeting women during the day (as opposed to at clubs and bars at night) and then give you specific strategies on how to be more confident and successful with your interactions.
2 Reasons I Prefer to Meet Women During the Day
1. You're more likely to meet girls who share your same interests.
Most guys never consider this. If I want to meet girls who are into fitness and healthy eating, I go to the gym or farmer's market (or grocery store). If I want to meet girls who are into books and conversation, I go to coffee shops and bookstores. And if I want to meet girls who are into witchcraft and patchouli, I quickly hit myself in the head and get my priorities straight.
Now, I'm not saying there aren't girls at clubs who will share your same passions, but you will have to sift and screen a lot more. Personally, I'd rather enjoy the company of my friends when I'm out having a beer. (Don't get me wrong: I'm still open to meet people when I'm out at night; I just don't make it a priority.)
2. They're not expecting to get "hit on", and are usually more receptive.
First things first: I don’t "hit on" girls. This is a big paradigm shift. I meet and talk with girls who I find physically attractive and then, through brief conversation, learn if they have the qualities (confidence, intelligence, wit, etc.) I find attractive. If they do, I make it a point to get their phone number or, if it's convenient for both of us, go on an immediate "date".
Anyway, most girls are expecting to get approached at night and usually have their defenses up. This isn't the case during the day. I've found it's much easier and more fun to have conversations and meet some genuinely cool girls. Approaching during the day also shows confidence which is a crucial "attraction indicator." (Consider that most guys would never think to walk right up to an attractive girl and say something without having a few beers in them first.)
So that's why I prefer meeting women during the day. But how do you actually go about approaching, connecting, and dating these girls? I asked dating expert Nick Savoy, founder of Love Systems, to outline the three biggest mistakes most guys make when meeting women.
The 3 Biggest Mistakes Guys Make When Meeting Women
1. Building comfort before attraction. Most guys default to general questions like “Where are you from?” and “What do you do?" They’re desperately looking for commonalities. But odds are if you’re just some guy at a bar or on the street, she’s not invested enough in you to give good answers to those questions.
Even asking them just shows you’re like the last 5,000 guys who approached her this way. It shows you don’t “get it”. Be playful, be funny, talk about yourself, tell a story, first to get her curious about you and then you can get into your biographies.
2. Failure to touch. I can tell whether an attempt is going anywhere within about a minute even if I can’t hear a word of what’s being said, just by watching the “physical conversation”. Make her comfortable with your touch from the first minute, even if it starts as a tap on the elbow to illustrate a point, and she’ll respond in kind.
3. Putting her on a pedestal. The hotter she is, the less you want to put her on a pedestal. That’s what every other guy does and it’s boring for her. She wants a guy who belongs in her world. So no compliments she hasn’t earned, no compliments about her looks, don’t approach her with “Can I buy you a drink?," or anything else that puts her value above yours. Don’t be afraid to disagree with her or to challenge her. She’ll likely find it very refreshing and attractive.
The Icing on the Cake – The Actual Conversation Starter
So this is all well and good but how do you actually start a conversation? Yeah, most of you will roll your eyes at this. ("Who actually needs advice on this stuff?") But do me a favor: if you're in a public place right now, go find a girl you find physically attractive and approach her. I'll wait.
Not as easy in practice as it is in your mind, huh?
Here's what Nick has to say:
“Direct” usually means stating your interest right from the beginning, instead of using an “excuse” to talk to her. Direct might be something like: “Hi, I saw you standing over there and I’d be kicking myself all day if I didn’t meet you and see if we have anything in common. My name’s Nick."
An "Indirect approach" might be: “Hi, can you settle a bet with my friend over there? He says that if you say ‘I love you’ when you’re drunk it doesn’t count. What do you think?”
(A Note From Nate: Personally, I prefer to just be direct. But in Nick's book, the Magic Bullets Handbook, he uses six different types of "openers" depending on the situation. I highly recommend you check it out as it's a very cool resource.)
Wrap-up
Meeting and talking with girls should be fun and not a source of extreme anxiety or embarrassment. I have friends who will psyche themselves out and make excuses for not approaching girls they find physically attractive, then regret it immediately after. This is no way to live.
So smile, make your approach, and see if you have anything in common. Rejection is easy to handle; your ego will heal. But regret for not talking with a girl who could turn out to be perfect for you?
You'll live with that shit the rest of your life.
(Thanks again to Nick Savoy. Be sure to check out his book, Magic Bullets, and his bootcamps on Day Game workshops and his regular (bars & clubs) program.)
Comments for This Entry
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Great stuff. I actually have a situation that I could use some input on:
A girl had been coming into my work for months whom I would flirt with. She always gave me an opening, but a blew it every time. She'd make it obvious by asking "So do you have any kids? Wife? Girlfriend? Girls that you're interested in?" Like an idiot, for that last one I said "Nope!" ropped the ball on that one.
Anyway, I became so disgusted with myself that finally I went into the chocolate shop where she works, bought some peanut butter cups and asked if I could call her. She paused for a second and said yes, but then explained that I should text her because she's busy all the time.
"I work here every day and usually when I'm done here I go and do some other stuff for extra money You know how it is."
I assumed she's a stripper. I never really found out because after a few texts back and forth of us asking questions about each other (hobbies, music, etc.) she stopped responding altogether.
I realize she's busy with the chocolate shop, her child and her mystery job (maybe she's actually a hooker?) but it still seemed odd that after months of showing interest, she suddenly changed her mind.
Thoughts? -
Some really useful suggestions in this great post Nate. When I was growing up and going to the clubs, I used to put so much pressure on myself, and never get the confidence to actually make the first move. Maybe it was luck, or maybe it was extra confidence I gained from getting in shape but over 6 years ago, I was lucky enough to meet that special girl and have never looked back!
Lucky enough for me, she said 'Yes' when I proposed to her after running the London Marathon - http://jcdfitness.com/2010/05/how-i-ran-a-sub-3-marathon-and-got-engaged/
So I say, never give up guys! -
Matt
All you were doing was texting her for months? She probably lost interest because that was all that was happening. She was waiting for you to step up and make something of the situation. You may have missed your window of opportunity. Sounds like you got to comfortable with the texting. -
Nice article, however everything stated is pretty much common sense. If you are a guy and you are confindent - you would not have problems dating girls. It just takes some time to understand that you have to percieve them not as sexual objects (NO MATTER HOW HOT SHE IS), but as a personalities.
Once the focus shifts, you will find it much easier to have conversations with different hot & smart girls you meet here and there.
Good luck to everyone;) -
Nate, I would have to agree meeting women in bars or clubs is the worst thing you can do (unless that is your job, like a pickup artist) you have everything working against yourself. Competition from other guys, loud music, don't know if she just into you to have fun/drunk (buyers remorse) or she might just be out for a ego boost. When you meet women during the day at places that YOU like to go and have fun at your more naturally happier, so you don't need the booze to calm yourself down and at the same time all of the other artificial stuff falls away, this is when you can really get down to a health relationship on your terms, with her.
Also attraction is not a choice. You can't help being attracted to beautiful women and women can't help to be attracted to a smart, confident, funny guy.
Thanks,
-Pat -
Nate,
Very nice post! This was a refreshing topic to read about, and the post has a little something for everyone.
I know a couple of people who could stand to learn many of the above lessons - especially the learning to deal with rejection part.
I think the advice in this post can be applied to talking to women in general - meaning, women you may not necessarily be attracted to. Some guys just seem to have problems being around and talking to women, ya know? I'm sure we've all seen that, or even experienced it. I agree with the direct approach, also.
Keep it up, Nate,
Tony -
Thumbs up to this one.
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These posts from you are always fun and the take you can get are dam near gold.
Nate, I'm with you on the day stuff. Not only is it easier to match interests, demonstrate confidence, and approach with their guard down, for the most part its going to be a 1 on 1 experience.
She wont have her "sex deprived" miserable friends with her who want you out of the picture asap because you're no talking with them (I think Nicks got a little trick for that 1) but you really can have an awesome experience without the loud music, crossed eyes, and jeleous friends.
Here's what I learned - most bookstores and even small grocery stores (traders/whole's) have a cafe area. You can get an instant "date" quick, if nothing else meet someone pretty cool.
By the way, chicks at these places are smoking and most of the dudes there don't know how to grocery shop let alone talk to a cute girl.
Chris Stella -
Jon
texting her for months? no. texting her for 2 days. not sure where you got that. it would have been obvious if that were the case. -
COMMENT FROM AN OLD MAN.
Nate, this morning at the Post Office I held the door for a pretty lady(probably 35-40) dressed in a light rose colored dress, heels, long black hair.. As we departed she thanked me with a smile. As we were going to our cars, I said to her," Has anyone told you this morning that you are a very lovely lady? She stopped, and with an even bigger smile, said, "You just made my day!" She went her way and I went mine, and I think it was a cheery moment and brief encounter on a beautiful morning between two strangers. POINT: A smile and nice comment to a stranger is better than a frown and a growl.
NO FLIRT, NO FOLLOWUP, JUST A BRIEF ENCOUNTER THAT WAS PLEASENT AND SINCERE. -
Hey Nate great post,
You're always coming up with unique content that isn't really found on other blogs, great stuff..
I think that meeting girls during the day instead of at a club or out at night is a big one. Sometimes guys also go after girls they find just a little attractive and think it's a waste of time going after the ten's because they're less nervous. I found that approaching the absolute hottest girl I could find was always the best way to do it. You may as well approach someone you're really attracted to. You'll realize they're just like everyone else, have the same insecurities, some of them will like you, some of them won't, and you'll like some of them, and won't like others.
It's a great way to get rid of that fear of approaching girls.
Anyways, great article Nate!
- Chad -
Good post Nate,
What a lot of guys don't realize, and has taken me forever to learn myself, is that confidence is a lot like a muscle. If you don't exercise it and toughen it to some rejection you'll be paralyzed forever.
My favorite take away: "Rejection is easy to handle; your ego will heal."
Tim -
really liked your information and opinions about approaching women during the day as opposed to at night.
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Awesome, I've been involved in learning about all this stuff for several years.
Direct is definitely the way to go if you aren't part of a social group with her.
If you aren't near the level that Nate is talking about, I can personally tell
you that it will give you a level of confidence that will truly transform your life.
Things that worry and consume you will not even enter your mind.
And getting there really isn't that bad. Just read, learn, take action, put in your
time, and you will get there. You don't have to reinvent the wheel because
hundreds of thousands of men have gone before you. I personally recommend
The Blueprint from RSD. -
I blame my low testosterone levels for my lack of drive to meet the opposite sex (though thank God I'm not gay).
Not a bad article, but the part about singling out attractive or 'hot' women seems a little stand-offish - I don't know why men always feel they need to meet the hot sexy chicks with the great bodies. I mean what's wrong with women who are more mainstream ? Don't you miss out by narrowing your choices based on looks alone?
I guess you could add, if you want more choices, get a hobby or activity where the women outnumber the men, like cheerleading (there are male cheerleaders). Then you have better odds of getting what you want, LOL. -
Nate,
I'm totally digging this topic. I'm definitely a "day-guy" when it comes to meeting women--especially since I don't drink or do any of that other crap.
I do have one question. This is for Nate or anyone else who can answer:
My friend told me that women like to "play the game" with guys. It's not so important to understand why women can be so nice one day and the opposite on another day. But it is important to understand how to "play the game" with them, and remain confident by keeping everything in balance. Can anyone help me better understand how this works?
Thanks!
-Eric -
@MATT
My guess dude is that she found another guy. I'm married now so my interest in the art of dating has waned but I do think in your circumstance she probably just met someone else and moved on.........You did everything right except ask for a number sooner -
Nate I followed your advice to the T yesterday.
I went up to a random girl on the street, started talking about me and being playful, went in for the touch and just got maced?
Seriously though, good post - everything spot on! -
Nice point that you make, Nate.
What I find is that too many fail to re-access the state of confidence that they ALREADY KNOW. For example, after a heavy set or after some sandbag intervals that you never did before. Or perhaps after you just smoked an important exam. You remember how you felt at those times.
What if you could re-visit that state ANY time you liked? You can.
I usually go through some hypnosis mp3's ever couple of weeks to remind my brain what it means to be "in state". Then whenever I feel any approach anxiety start to smoulder in my gut, I just give my self a cue - such as finger snapping, 2 deep breaths, shit - you could click your heels three times - who cares!
The point is that no guy should sell himself short because of approach anxiety. Confidence is a feeling/state that your brain already knows because of your past successes. The trick is teaching your brain how to access that state ANY time you'd like. I highly recommend hypnosis for state control. -
I loved this post and am actually printing it out so I can refer to it later. I used to be terrified of speaking to women, because I simply lacked the confidence. I am a much more confident guy now, but still do not have as many cahonies as I would like to when it comes to talking to women.
I am in big agreement with meeting women during the day. Meeting women in a bar or club is difficult as it is expected, and trying to yell an introduction into a woman's ear over loud (usually bad) music is not my idea of fun, -
Interesting. Never would have figured you for a "Magic Bullets" kind of guy, Nate.
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@ Konstanin
I'm not really an anything sort of guy. I do think it's a cool resource with some good tips, though.
-Nate -
Nate - Would you recommend having a few morning beers and then trying to meet girls during the day? I mean as long as it keeps a guy within the 5 drinks per week rule, no harm no foul. Right? But seriously, girls or no girls, doesn't a good IPA always make a trip to the farmers market more adventurous!
PS - Kidding aside, have you tried the Rogue Mori Moto Pale Ale?? Out of this world my friend!! -
Hey Nate,
Great post.
Always good to hear different perspectives on the topic. Meeting girls during the day - or anywhere besides a club is always a good move and makes it a lot easier to be in your "comfort" zone....especially in NYC. (defenses are up a little higher here.)
Thanks Nick and Nate.
MA -
ARGHHHH. Im FIENING for more updates! I check daily, only to be sadly dissapointed haha. I know you're prolly mad busy, but please know there's soo many people itching for new postings by you regularly!
Thanks for the great content, hope to see more soon!
P -
i used to like you from t nation site but after i read this i lost all the respect i had for you.
can't understand how can you endorse savoy and the guys from his company it s beyond me.the only explanation i have is that u like money and u got paid for this cos it s obvious that you never saw savoy and his instructors in action and the kind of girls they get.
shame on you! -
@ Mark
Thanks for the note. Honestly, I think Savoy has good information that most guys will find helpful.
But it's not for everyone.
-Nate -
Good topic to hit on. Awhile back I was looking into the whole "social dynamics" studies and actually read some of Savoy's material along with a lot of the other experts in this field. I must say, some of those ideas have truly helped me branch and learn how be more open and confident with the women I come in contact with. Thanks for sharing the tips again Nate. Always good to have someone remind you that the best way to be attractive is to just present the "best you" at any opportunity.
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Nate, good overview..and when I recently interviewed women for a launch for my conversation skills program for men...I asked them what the worst things were men did that they experienced on a daily basis...One of them coined a new term for how women react to those kind of standard questions guys keep asking like "What's your name?" "Where are you from?" "What do you do for a living?" ..
She gives these kind of questions her "Standard Programmed Responses"...
SPR's for short.
So yeah...obviously inducing a girl to go into SPR mode...because you've just become as the last 20 guys and she's getting bored already as well as knows you're not the spontaneous or confident type.
Stephan -
Thanks for the tips, definitely motivating.. I'm going to start havig more conversations with people, wherever I am... Even if you don't get a girlfriend for it, I'm sure it makes the day more interesting :-)
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Meh, Nick Savoy. Nate, you should check out some of the ridiculousness that is RSD. Those guys crack me up big time.
Though your "3 biggest mistakes" are a sniper shot to the truth. In fact, I've found attraction can be so insane that you don't even have to know each other's names. I uh, "spent" an entire night with a girl once, and we did the name exchange in the morning. Still baffles me to this day. I was a bit smashed, but I always wondered what I called her... -
Nate-
I completely agree that daytime is the best time to meet girls. Farmer's markets and grocery stores are the best. You see a good looking lady buying some food, beer, or wine, make some flirty small talk, and next thing you know, you are invited to a party later that afternoon or evening... Done deal.
As far as approach anxiety, the more approaches you make, the less anxiety you have.
Confidence comes from experience and not really caring whether or not the interaction goes in any particular way.
I can remember being nervous, palms sweating, literally shaking when trying to talk to a hot woman, so preoccupied with what she might be thinking about me.
I'm not going to pretend to be some super-seduction expert, but after a thousand or so more "approaches," I don't really give a shit. I'm just trying to have fun with the situation. If she is into it, great. If not, I have fun with that too.
The funny thing is, women (especially the really attractive ones) tend to respond pretty well to someone who isn't obviously tripping over themselves to try and impress them.
Anyways, thanks for the post!
-Ian -
This is awesome, I am an advocate for day time hook ups. I'm glad I found your site, nice job!
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Pretty good article. I disagree with the "failure to touch" rule though. I do agree that body language says a lot, but different people express there feelings/love for another in different ways. For me, touching is not one of them. I don't like people in my space and I don't like to be touched, especially by a stranger. If a guy I just met was immediately touchy it would skeeve me out, and be a huge turn off. Let's save the touching stuff for later...when we're alone.
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I think the advice in this post can be applied to talking to women in general - meaning, women you may not necessarily be attracted to. Some guys just seem to have problems being around and talking to women, ya know? I'm sure we've all seen that, or even experienced it.
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Man... I wish your confidence in myself. Kinda hard to when you're 26-years-old. Never dated. Are 300 lbs., and work low end jobs.
COMMENT RULES: Critical posts are fine, but if you're rude I'll delete your stuff. Please do not put your URL in the comment text and please use your personal name or initials and not your business name, as the latter comes off like spam. But most of all, have fun and thanks for adding to the conversation! (Thanks to Tim Ferriss for the inspiration.)
Matt 10:35pm Jul 11, 2010