What My Dog Taught Me About Patience and Real Problems
The other day I lost my wallet and had to call and cancel my credit cards, inform my bank, and go to the DMV to get a new drivers license.
It was inconvenient, sure. But it wasn't a problem.
A month ago I had snow tires put on my car. The tire shop gave me "new" wheels they had lying around for free. After I picked up my car and drove it home, they called to let me know they needed their wheels back. Turns out they belonged to someone else. So I drove back to the tire shop, bought new wheels, and got everything sorted out.
When I told my friends about it, they asked: "Man, how pissed off are you?"
My response: Not very.
I rarely get upset when someone cuts me off in traffic. I don't sigh loudly, roll my eyes, or shift my feet when the person ahead of me in line pays for their groceries with dollars and change. The cashier always apologizes when they ring me up.
"I'm so sorry," they say. "That took forever."
I tell them it's not a problem.
It's taken some time, but I rarely get impatient with people anymore. And I almost never let situations frustrate me. Instead I take some deep breaths and put everything into perspective.
In the grand scheme of my life, I tell myself, this one little annoyance isn't that big of a deal. It's not a problem. So I smile and laugh it off.
I didn't use to be this way.
The simplest thing would upset me. I'd unload the dishwasher and drop a glass. It would break, and I'd immediately slam the cabinet door, which usually resulted in other glasses breaking.
Relationship "problems", work frustrations, small accidents…they'd all set me off. I put my hand through a lot of walls as a teenager. My parents have the plaster to prove it.
I wasn't an angry child, really. Just easily overwhelmed.
But when I was 17, something happened: I started taking my dog for a walk every day.
Titus, a chow-shepard-something mix, has been my family's dog for more than 10 years, ever since my dad went out to get groceries and instead returned with a puppy.
He has black fur, a black tongue, and a black nose that likes to sniff everything. And I mean everything. Rocks, grass, mailboxes, fence poles, other dogs, water puddles, snow…some things I didn't even think had the ability to smell.
Every time I set out to walk Titus I told myself it'd be for five minutes. But it always turned into half an hour.
At first it annoyed me. I'd say, "Titus, let's go!" for the millionth time and give a tug on his leash. He would ignore me and my cheeks would get red and my fingers would clench as I felt my frustration rise.
And at that moment, when I was feeling all these negative emotions and wasn't sure what to do with them, I'd catch myself.
"Am I really getting upset at my dog?"
I'd take a couple deep breaths to calm down. I'd take in the world around me and enjoy the trees and the sunshine. I'd watch Titus excitedly sniff a rock for what seemed like 10 minutes but was probably only two.
And I'd smile.
This wasn't a real problem. This wasn't anything to get upset about. This, in fact, was a chance to relax in nature, be away from my computer and phone, get a little exercise, and do something nice for my dog who was stuck indoors most days.
Taking my dog for a walk and having him stop every three seconds was at worst a minor annoyance, and at best an opportunity for me to disconnect and learn how to deal with my frustration.
I thought, if I can put up with little things like taking my dog for long walks or standing in line at the grocery store -- things that don't truly affect the quality of my life -- then when something really shitty happens, I'll be able to appreciate it, not get pissed off, and deal with it in a clear-headed way.
And that's the attitude I've been carrying since.
So if you're a well-meaning cashier, airline attendant, bank teller, tire salesman, or any sort of customer service person, don't worry. Relax.
I won't get pissed off if I have to wait in line. I won't yell or make passive-aggressive remarks.
If you're truly doing your best to help me -- and shit, even if you aren't -- know that this thing, this interaction you and I are having that everyone else may perceive as bad, it's really not a problem.
And you can thank Titus -- my old, gray, long-bearded dog with the black nose -- for helping me understand that.
Comments for This Entry
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Wow- very appropriate timing for me. Just what I needed to read!
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While I can't say a pet has given me this attitude, I can say that working in a retail store for 7 years has. Everyone has their own story and things are the way they are because of something you probably don't understand.
Loved the traffic example though. I don't get upset either, but my girlfriend sure does. There's a chance the person cutting you off is just an idiot, but what if they have an agenda? Something they are late for? Something that can change their life? I'd cut someone off too if that was me. But more importantly, whether it's for a good cause or a bad cause, getting upset is going to produce the same result. And that's getting upset. It doesn't affect anyone but you.
Good post. -
Great article, Nate. I see a lot of me and who I am/was in many of your writings. If you find yourself in Dallas, I'd love to buy you a beer. I, too, was once a hot head as I called it. I stressed several relationships, both romantic and non before I changed my ways. Unfortunately, it took the untimely death and a divorce to enlighten me and realize life is meant to be better. That's actually about the time I started reading your stuff. You can rarely change the world, but you can change YOUR world and how you view it. It's never easy to change habit or human behavior. Unfortunately, it took catastrophe in my life to change mine. I wish that on no one. Old Habits die-hard. Lifelong habits, especially lifestyle habits die even harder. While getting my MBA a few years ago I read an article in Fast Company called "Change or Die" which relates habit to health care/insurance. I'd encourage you to google it and read it if you never have. I sure wish I'd have seen the light sooner! Again, great article, Nate!
Thanks Jay! You should check out the book, Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard
Nate Green
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Awesome. Perfectly expressed. Thanks!
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Hi Nate. My first comment ever in here. Good post. I was impatient when I was 17-23 yrs old, and I tend to complaint a lot. Nowdays, I am more relax, and in control of myself. It's good to say that when you being patience, you will have a relax facial expression, not crumbled. Great body but crumbled expression? sucks. :)
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Nate - Great article and an awesome reminder on how we can change our world (for the better) just by changing our mindset about things.
I can always use those reminders.
Great work! -
Glad to see you are writing again. nice post
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Nate,
I have been thinking of buying my dad a dog for Christmas because he seems very sad and lonely to me. This blog has reinforced my decision. I'm totally doing it.
I used to struggle with the same impatience and passive aggressiveness, but have come to the same conclusion: little annoyances are just that. Little. It is downright silly to let an extra 10 minutes in a check-out line or traffic jam stress you out. Shit happens, so no big deal.
-Dan
-Dan -
I've always liked your blog, but I must say I love this one. I've always been a bit aggressive. 20 years in combat arms in the US Army did not help. But after returning from Iraq in 2006, I was even worse. I've learned to control myself thru prayer, meditation and exercise (better/properly thanks to you Nate(and others)). This article has come at an appropriate time. In Feb I injured my rotator cuff (seriously) and have had three surgeries on it. The aggression and inability to coup has been creeping back in since the injury. This post has help to put things in perspective, somewhat.
Thanks you Nate -
Aloha!
Great life lesson. More people should act like that and a lot of problems of the modern world would disappear.
I am very excited about your next post. -
Man I really miss my dog right now.
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So glad you did this helps me put my life in perspective...just going through a break up now and i think looking at things carmly etc like you is truly a life lesson
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Having kids has also taught me the same thing. It's all about perspective. :)
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Thanks man! I just came home for a quick lunch, during a frustrating day. I'm usually pretty patient and chill. But the last couple days have been bugging me. I happened upon your article. Thanks, it's helped. I'm not going to get a dog, 'cause it'd be cooped up all day - but I get the point.......
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I definitely needed this. I am usually calm but boy do I lay the smack down over little things at times. I get extremely pissed off when I'm at a red light and the driver behind me slams on the break a centimetre away from my car. I change lanes after the light and do the same to them until I have to go a different direction because I can be an asshole like that. I've stopped doing that in the last week. But after I got rear ended and my car got totaled I've been edgy with other drivers up until last week when I finally had a day all to myself to relax.
Thanks for posting this Nate.
Probably not the place to post this, but one of my goals in life is to have a training session with Jason Ferruggia, John Alvino, Craig Ballantyne, and of course Nate Green. I have no idea when it will happen, but I plan on doing it. -
Great Points Nate---I was the same. It was very easy to get me irritated and I had somewhat of a short fuse when things weren't on the path that I had planned them to be on.
I have changed that and put things in perspective---you get absolutely nowhere being an a-hole to someone and vice versa. "Kill them with kindness" has become a way of living for me.
You also never know what someone has been through in their life they may make them act a certain way---I don't judge and by not doing so, I have managed to see things a bit clearer and stress alot less.
Great stuff man! -
Dogs do have a way of helping us pout things in perspective. I'm actually part Lab on my mother's side so I really really like dogs.
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Great, insightful article, Nate.
When I was younger, little things would set me off as well. I never really thought I was "angry", and personally, I think hearing that makes the situation worse. What changed was, one part, me growing up, and another part, seeing things in a new light.
When someone cut me off it in traffic, I didn't really lose anything. It wasn't a blow to my self-esteem or a criticism of my self-worth. It was just one car moving in front of another. As Epictetus said, "Men are disturbed not by things that happen, but by their opinion of the things that happen."
Thanks Nate. And thanks Titus! -
Dogs are amazing in showing us the ways of the world. Truly you are a wise man, Nate, for simply being smart enough to see what Titus had to show you.
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I let people go in front of me all the time when I am shopping. Even with my little guy going crazy because he would rather be playing than shopping. And when the cashier tells me they are sorry for the delay I respond, "There are starving children." They look at my weird and I explain, "There are worse things in the world than waiting a few extra minutes."
Good Stuff Nate! -
You're a terrific writer, Nate. I love your style. Especially this sentence:
"If you're truly doing your best to help me -- and shit, even if you aren't -- know that this thing, this interaction you and I are having that everyone else may perceive as bad, it's really not a problem."Thanks Billy. I appreciate the compliment.
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Great post...when I was younger my grandmother was always telling me to be patient. Guess I always wanted everything yesterday. Coming from an older lady who has MS, I probably should've listened. Nobody was more patient than her.
I didn't learn patience until I started working with students with intensive disabilities. The other day a student ripped out his feeding tube...big deal. Hands me a turd...big deal. The patience I've learned from the job amazes me. It's to a point that I now find my patient as detrimental at times.
Patience is great, but we have to be willing to take action quickly too. Think about the people that could've stopped Jerry Sandusky. Patience is most definitely a virtue, but not always! -
Man, another good way to learn this is to live in another culture for a while. This kind of impatience and obsession with making the most of time is called "monochronism" and it is a big deal in American culture. I lived in the Dominican Republic last year. Latin America is the opposite, they are "polychronic," which means they don't value time the same way we do. All cashiers were slow, people walked slow, the public transportation was completely unpredictable and unreliable, you had to learn quickly not to be in a hurry for anything.
Good point. My girlfriend has lived in Honduras and Mexico for months at a time and told me that things definitely do move more slowly, especially meal-time.
I think that's a good thing. -
Nate, you are absolutely right. Dogs can teach us so much - patience, loyalty, trust, forgiveness, being yourself and....how to have fun! Having spent years in high demand/high stress jobs, I'm now helping people whose dogs are exhibiting behaviour problems. I learn something new from every single dog and the rewards of seeing dogs and owners develop a better relationship are beyond measure. By showing owners how to find out what the dog needs and then calmly and consistently giving the right information, we get great results without any gadgets, force or fear. It works with people, too! Give it a try.
Daniel, if you are considering getting your Dad a dog for Christmas, why not go to a refuge and get him a rescue dog? These little guys are the result of human failure and are usually so happy to have a forever home and a second chance. Both your Dad and the dog would benefit.
Nate, thanks for sharing your very perceptive thoughts. Special hugs for Titus. -
Best blog of the week. Thanks for posting.
You're welcome. Thanks for commenting!
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Abso-freakin-lutely Nate. It's truly liberating to be able to choose the response that you have to certain situations, people and experiences. Small inconveniences that happen on a daily basis are essentially just noise, and Richard Carlson wrote an awesome book all about this topic - "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff--and it's all small stuff". Highly recommended to anyone who wants to improve the quality of their life and learn how to hone in and focus on things that really matter to you. Nice post!
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Very well said. First world problems; they're mostly insignificant. Swap that short fuse for a long walk. :)
I mean, is that guy in the line in front of me REALLY getting that worked up about his decaf skinny caramel latte taking too long to make when there are millions of third world children who will die before they get their next meal? -
Awesome, Nate. This way of thinking and acting is called to be 'proactive'. There is a great book which you can read ( not because you need to become proactive, but because the book is really useful ) - The 7 habits of highly effective people.
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Great stuff as always Nate. I believe the keyword here is "Perspective". I remember reading T. Harv Elkers book, 'Secrets of the millionare mind' and he wrote about how complaining makes you a 'crap magnet'. So true! ....Don't be a crap magnet!
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Love this article, dogs are the best for so many reasons. Now I miss mine badly
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Great post and everyone should own a dog.
You think a dog forces patience upon you, wait until you have a kid.
You learn 10x more patience, because it's a 24/7 job that you somehow love every minute of. -
It's all too easy to get overwhelmed these days. This really helps put things into perspective...
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Been reading up on some stoicism lately, brah?
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Oh man! I used to do the same thing with my dog Krissy. She was the love of my life yet when we would take walks I would yank her so many times. Now she is gone and I still miss her (after 6 or 7 years).
Great lesson on how to live life Nate. Keep it up!
Todd -
This is a great post Nate. I really enjoy your writings which are more in a 'short story' format. You also have a perfect writing style for reading online (they say that it's harder to read long sentences on a computer screen).
I also recently checked your first ever blog posts! ha I was a little disappointed they were of good quality!
Anyway keep up the good work dude. -
Hey Nate
another great post! I couldnt agree more! Im out every AM first thing and again each PM with my dog for a med-to-long walk -its great to be up and out early and relaxing again in the evening after a crazy day at the office (even in the dark with a head lamp!). My 4-legged buddy too often wants to sniff and mark every rock and weed and tree - and yes sometimes its annoying - but like you - you stop and think - whats my hurry! He has been at home all day and this is HIS time to go out and explore the hood - and MY time to DE-STRESS! Im lucky to live a block away from a nature preserve bay and near the beaches, and its great to get out and hear the birds and wildlife. Im always amazed at all the trail runners who have their ipods on when we have nature's music all around for just a short part of your day! Save those for the gym (which always plays such terrible music - thats a good topic for your next blog - why gym music sucks!) anyways - we can all continue to learn a lot about loyalty and patience from our dogs! Lets all be more patient Americans in 2012... and live at a Latin and European pace - WITH our dogs!! -
Great post!
I wouldn't say I have road rage, but I have a serious problem with drivers who make the roads unsafe for others. I also get extremely impatient with people who do things slowly. In both cases, getting angry is completely useless, since driving defensively remedies most potential problems, and being considerate of others (even if they move 'slow') is part of society.
I used to be prideful that I was aggressive and impatient. Such a waste of energy! -
Spot on Sir! I have to work at this everyday. I have come along way from punching holes in walls when I was a teenager. I also said some things in haste that should have never been uttered. I try everyday to not exert energy on things that do not make a difference in my life and I am much happier for it.
I try to pass this calmness on to my friends and loved ones when they are ready to hear me. I shock them sometimes with how calm I can be in situations.
As always, great stuff Nate! -
it is amazing at how much better you feel once you can let go of the bullshit and not get caught up in just being pissed off all the time. Just this afternoon i was in panera and the woman in front of me ordered a salad. When she went over to the counter to pick up her food the employee informed her that her salad was unavailable. She got all pissed off and exclaimed "well if you dont have it then why didn't they tell me that when i ordered it"(making it very clear to everyone around that she was incredibly inconvienenced, which is really too bad because she WAS pretty cute) Panera didn't intentionally fuck up her order in a sick twisted way to ruin her day. They made a mistake, which had a simple solution. I guess in her mind it was a conspiracy devised by the cashier to have her coworkers berated for something incredibly asinine.
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My dog, Josie, thanks you for this post haha. She is a curious lab and loves sniffing every single object during our walks. Today I'm going to be more patient. Thanks again for your awesome posts.
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Nate, thanks for this. I have always prided myself on being able to look at the big picture and as a new law enforcement officer who hasn't been able to check out your site in a couple months due to "busy" I am glad I took some time out to catch up. Thanks for the post- Matt
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I haven't had a dog since I was 9 years old, and after reading this I realized that I'm still kind of happy yet also sad that I haven't had a dog since. Patience, undying love and affection and loyalty, major lessons dogs can teach us all (I love dogs), and I'm glad your got his message across to you. Obviously you were meant to have a dog; good for you. :-)
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this is very good article and i will supply it always
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This is a fantastic post. Generally, I think that people get frustrated, angry and passive aggressive when they blame others for their troubles. You ended up realizing how useless it is to get mad at your dog, and you were 100% right - he was just doing his dog thang! It sucks that people still get mad over dumb shit they can't fix every day. More families should have pets - kids learn a lot from them.
Also - did anyone watch that Klitschko vs Chisora? It always impresses me how calm the Klitschko brothers are. Just goes to show that anger is unnecessary most of the time - even if you want to be a champion boxer.
George
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Matt 8:59am Dec 15, 2011